Two of my friends lost loved ones this week. It's been a tough week. In fact, both of these friends are on our children's ministry staff. So, we have all been immersed in grief.
Yesterday, as I was sitting at one of the funerals, I remembered my journey over the years in dealing with death.
I lost my first grandparent when I was six. I don't remember much about it. What I do remember is the phone call that we received telling us that my grandpa had died suddenly. I remember my mom and dad's reaction to the news. I remember sitting on the couch watching them as they grieved. My brother and I did not travel to Georgia for the funeral. We stayed with my other grandparents. So, I was pretty removed from details of his death and burial.
I didn't really face death again until I was in high school. My grandma had a very short battle with cancer. We spent many of her last days in the hospital with her in Mississippi. I remember celebrating my birthday in her hospital room. When she died, our whole family traveled from all across the country to be together for her funeral.
During the visitiation for my grandma, I wouldn't go into the funeral home. I was terrifed. I didn't want to see my grandma in the casket. I had never seen a dead person and I was convinced that I would not be able to handle it. My mom tried to reassure me by explaining that my grandma looked at peace and I would feel so much better if I saw her. I didn't listen.
So, it wasn't until I was an adult that I actually experienced that. And, my mom was right. Seeing the person at rest, really did help me to deal with the grief.
I drew on some of these experiences when we had our own children and began to decide how we would handle the subject of death with them. Here is the approach we took as parents:
**When our girls were very young, we began taking them to the funeral home with us for visitation. In most cases, the girls did not know the person who had died. They did know the family, though. I think this is a great way to start.
Children at most ages can understand that their friend is sad. It gives them a great opportunity to show their love and concern for the family. These visits served two purposes: they helped our children to feel comfortable in that setting, and the family really did enjoy having children come. There is something about being around children that reminds us of the joy in life.
** Before going to the funeral home, we always talked with them about what they could expect. This made the experience seem not as frightening. (It's always good to cover appropriate behavior as well).
**We have always tried to model authenticity in our grief. It is almost impossible to put up a false front successfully. Words can't mask what lies in the heart. They need to see that grieving is acceptable.
As I was sitting next to my teenage children yesterday at the funeral,I was able to see how healthy their view on death and dying is. Although they were very sad, their faith was a great source of comfort for them. I feel confident that if I had not been there beside them, they still would have been at ease in that environment. I'm so thankful that we took the time when they were young to expose them to this difficult reality.
Here are a couple of excellent age-appropriate books for children--
It Must Hurt A Lot by Doris Sanford (Multinomah Press). The feelings a child experiences when a favorite pet dies.
My Mom is Dying: A Child's Diary by Jill McNamara (Augsberg Press). A child's perspective on her mother's terminal illness and death.
Morgan's Baby Sister by Patricia Johnson and Donna Williams (Resource Publications). For families who've experienced the death of a newborn sibling.
Someone I Loved Died by Christine Harder Tangvald (David C. Cook) A positive approach to directing children to God as the ultimate source of comfort.
And some for parents, too--
It's Okay to Cry--A Parent's Guide to Helping Children Through the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright (Random House)
When Your Child Loses a Loved One by Theresa Huntley (Augsberg Press)
