Mind Doodles

More on Sibling Conflict

As I was writing my last post, I came across these rules for effectively containing conflict from John Rosemond's Book, The Well-Behaved Child.  Now I realize that there are parents who wouldn't agree with Rosemond on many of his ideas.  Keep in mind that these principles are for TRAINING kids.  They may seem rigid.  But, I have found that if your boundaries are clearly defined and you are very consistent while training your children, then behaviors are established that make these steps unnecessary after a period of time.

1.  Create a "Do Not Disturb the Family Peace" rule:  The children can have conflict, but they must (a) keep it down (b) not engage in physical aggression of any kind toward one another, and (c) not tattle on one another, even in instances of physical aggression.

2.  Put the rule on an index card and post it on the refrigerator.  It should look something like this:

Do Not Disturb the Family Peace

  Keep your conflict to yourselves.  Do not disturb anyone else with it.

Do not complain to Mom and Dad about one another.

Make no attempt to physically hurt one another.

3.  Use the "tickets" or "strikes" system.  Take a ticket or call a strike every time the rule is broken.  If you're using tickets, the kids begin ever day with three, no matter how old they are, no matter how serious the problem.  If, however, more than two siblings are actors in the sibling conflict drama, add a ticket for each additional child. Correspondingly, if you are using "strikes", then go to four strikes per day for three children, etc.

4.  On any given day, the first time the rule is broken, you simply identify the infraction, and take a ticket or call a strike. "You're disturbing the family with your conflict, so I am taking a ticket."  If one of the children starts complaining about the other, you say "That's tattling and I'm taking another ticket."

5.  When the rule is broken, it is vitally important that you make no attempt to find out what's happening or why the kids are arguing.  Nor should you make any effort to mediate the conflict.  Just issue the penalty and walk away.

6.  When the last ticket of the day is taken, the children go to their respective rooms for the remainder of the day, and they all go to bed early.  As usual, if you're going to be confining them to their rooms, it's helpful to reduce the "entertainment value" of the rooms beforehand.  If they share a room, then one child goes to the room and the other is confined in some other area of the home with a couple of books and perhaps one toy.  The next time the penalty is incurred, you switch their places. 

 

For parents who do not resonate with the "Ticket or Strike" solution, there is the "Conference Room" technique.

1.  Put the Do Not Disturb the Family Peace rule on the refrigerator.

2.  When a rule is broken, put the offending kids into a "conference room" together for 15 minutes directing them to use the time to try and solve whatever problem precipitated the conflict.  I generally recommend that the designated "Conference Room" be (a) small so they can't avoid one another and (b) boring so they cant distract themselves from the task at hand.

3.   So you don't have to concern yourself with watching the clock, set a time outside the door of the "Conference Room".  When the timer goes off, open the door and ask, "Is the problem solved?"  They will tell you it is even if they didn't say anything or look at one another for fifteen minutes.  That's fine.  Let them out and walk away.  In the slim chance that they tell you it isn't solved, set the time for another fifteen minutes until it is solved.

Whether you use Tickets, Strikes or Conference Room, you are taking yourself out of the equation and putting resposibility for solving the sibling conflict problem squarely on the children's shoulders.  The children stop competing for the coveted Victim Award because you are no longer handing it out. The children learn to keep their conflicts to themselves and work them out without your intervention, which is a skill that will carry over nicely to situations later in their lives, including their marriages.

 

Getting Along

This past weekend, we went to Birmingham to see Kelsey perform in Samford University's Step Sing 2011.  Greg's parents met us there.  My mom and our friend, Bonnie, came along, too.  It was a fun weekend hanging out together.

Courtney stayed in Kelsey's room with her.  On Sunday, after church and lunch, we said goodbye.  It's always sad saying goodbye.

People always ask me what we did to make our girls get along so well.  In fact, I would say that is the question I am asked the most.  

While I don't have a great answer for this question, there are a couple of principles we held in our home that may have contributed to this:

1.  No fighting.  When I say this, I really mean it.  I personally have no tolerance for bickering back and forth.  It sends me over the edge.  My brother and I fought like crazy growing up, and I regret every minute of it.  Greg had two brothers so he had his share of fighting as well.  So, neither of us were willing to put up with it as parents.  

                    The rule in our home--if you are fighting, you are both in trouble.  

Now, I'm sure there were quiet-screaming-behind-the-door-fights in our home.  In fact, just this past year the girls and I were talking about this subject.  They told me that when they fought, they just made sure I wasn't around.  Oh well.  I'm not completely naive.  But, for the most part, they learned to handle their conflicts in other ways than screaming and yanking each other's hair out.

2.  No tattling.  Are you noticing a pattern here?  Really, what you are finding out is that I am a very intolerant parent.  I actually learned this early on--before we had kids--when I was teaching first grade.  If I didn't put some rules in place about tattling, I could spend my entire day being a referee to six year olds.  I got some great advice from my favorite parenting expert, John Rosemond, on this subject.  He cautioned parents about jumping into an argument and trying to decipher who was right and who was wrong.  You rarely get the accurate picture.  

"When children have conflicts, the easiest solution is often to appeal to the nearest adult to come and bail them out.  Because it is the easiest thing to do, it also takes the least amount of thought and effort on the part of the tattler.  Therefore, when we respond to the tattletale, we encourage kids not to think.

Tattling is senseless and destructive.  Not only does it prove unfair to the child who is tattled on, it is equally harmful to the child who does the tattling.  The tattletale is usually the child least liked by siblings, shunned by peers and held in disfavor by adults.  

We adults inadvertently create the problem.  The unfortunate victim of our actions is the 'tattletale', because the child who tattles will have trouble being trusted and accepted by his peers."  John Rosemond--New Parent Power

 

Some degree of sibling conflict will occur.  It's just natural.  The challenge as parents is to manage it in such a way as to not get sucked in to the conflict ourselves.  

The good news is that in most cases, siblings grow up and really enjoy each other as adults.

 

 

 

Valentines Love

Nothing says I love you like chocolate.

So, in honor of Valentines Day--I baked a special Valentines treat for the people I love the most (with the exception of the one away at college)--my family.

Years ago, my mom discovered this little delight in a cookbook we found in Eureka Springs, Arkansas.  It's easy to make and oh so delicious!

It's like a gooey, warm brownie (except that it is fully cooked--I have issues with doughy, uncooked desserts).  

Here it is baking into its yummy goodness.

We always eat it "Stoner Style" --topped with Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

 

Here's the recipe for you.  So, that you can enjoy some chocolate love of your own.

Baked Fudge

4 Eggs

2 C Sugar

1 C Melted Butter

1/2 C Flour

1/2 C Cocoa

1 C Chopped nuts (we like nuts--you can leave them out if you prefer)

2 tsp. Vanilla

Cream eggs and sugar.  Add melted butter.  Sift flour and cocoa together and add to mixture.  Add nuts and vanilla.  Pour into 9 x 12 greased pan.  Set in a pan of hot water and bake at 325 degrees for 45 minutes to 1 hour or until crusty on top and soft inside.  Serve warm with scoop of ice cream and garnish with maraschino cherry.  (We leave off the cherry--we don't like them).   Serves 8-12.

Enjoy!

Old Things

I remember sitting in a restaurant when Courtney was about 5 or 6 years old.  The restaurant walls were covered with all kinds of memorabilia.  On the wall next to Courtney was an old record album.

She looked up at it and said, "Wow!  Look at that giant CD!"

It doesn't take long for things to become dated and even obsolete.

Here's an awesome video that demonstrates that very thing.  (It's in French with subtitiles).

 

 

Valentines Day and Boys

If you have a boy, then you have probably had some trouble finding just the right valentines for him to share with his classmates.  Let's face it--Valentines Day is pretty girlie.  

So, let me share with you something I read today that you can download for free!!!!!

It's from MeckMom.  She's created Star Wars valentines and she is offering the free download to us.  

Just click here.

She's got some girlie valentines, too if you check out her site. 

What I Don't Know.....and do know.....

One major truth that has become very clear to me is that parenting is filled with unknowns.  The days simply don’t unfold the way we anticipate, and we don’t always have the answers or know how to do what God calls us to do.  We often feel like we don’t know how to be good parents.

       Before our first child, Kelsey, was born, I pictured myself being a confident, capable mother, perfectly meeting my child’s needs. That is, until the day after we brought her home.  I noticed that her nails were a little too long and they needed trimming—I proceeded to clip her nail, as well as a little skin. . .which caused no small amount of crying, screaming and bleeding.  I soon found out that I couldn’t always stop her crying.

       Along the way, there have been many other questions with no easy answers.

Questions like:

When is a child sick enough to stay home from school. . .

                                                or sick enough to call the doctor?

How long is long enough to keep her artistic masterpiece up on the refrigerator?

When is flexibility more important than consistency, or the exception more important than the rule?

When is it more important to let a child wear her chosen, ridiculously mismatched outfit than to pick out a perfectly matched one for her? 

                What is more important, her need to gain confidence in making choices or my need to                 have her look good?

Where do I find enough patience to respond correctly when the juice spills (again) and oozes into the tablecloth and through the crack in the table onto the floor?

 

       Along the way, I’ve also learned that being a parent means not only living with lots of unknowns, but also trusting what I do know in the midst of those unknowns.

This is what I do know:

I know that God called Greg and me to be parents.

He gave us two daughters as part of His divine plan for them and for us, and we can trust Him.

I also know that when He calls us to a place or a task, he also equips and enables us for those tasks—not always instantly, but as a part of a process of growth and change.  And where we make mistakes, and we’ve made plenty, we can trust Him to transform even our mistakes into something good,

                                                        as impossible as that sometimes seems. 

 

 

Valentines Party Ideas

Over the years I have been asked to lead lots of class parties at school.  Now, most schools don't have holiday parties.  They have "celebrations" or "learning experiences".  In case you find yourself in charge of one of these, or you just want to have a party for your kids at home, here are some ideas for Valentines Day.

(From One Charming Party)

valentine’s class party: 

 

1. Chopstick Pick Up: Give each table or small group of children a bowl  of conversation hearts. Give each student a pair of chopsticks. Using the chopsticks, have the students fill up a paper cup or small bowl with as many candies as they can in the allotted time (we suggest 1 minute).

2. Tower of Love: Using the large conversation hearts from the last game, have each student build a tower of hearts. Their tower must stand for 3 seconds. The person with the tallest tower is the winner.

3. Find Your Heart Mate: This is a great activity to get kids out of their seats and moving around the classroom–and they can practice their math facts at the same time. Pass out one half of an equation to each child and let them walk around the room finding their heart mate. Once they’ve made the correct match they can sit back in their seat. Click on the picture above to download the blank hearts. You can fill in math equations on whatever level the students are at.

4. Guesstimation: Pass three jars full of candy around the classroom and give the children a chance to guess how many pieces are in each jar. The winner gets to keep the jar of candy.

 

5. Heart Attack: Valentine’s Day isn’t just for your sweetheart. Do something nice for the teacher or principal at school. Pass out one paper heart per student. Ask them to write a nice note on the heart for the teacher or principal, thanking them for all they do. Collect all of the hearts and stick them to the teacher’s or principal’s desk or door with tape. Or have the students stick them as they finish their note. It’s a heart attack!

6. Queen of Hearts: Divide the students into two groups, boys in one and girls in the other. Using the supplies they are given, have them dress up one person from each team–the girl as the queen of hearts and the boy as cupid. Give each group 10 minutes to create their masterpiece. Once they are finished have them model their creation for the class.

Recommended supplies for the girls (queen of hearts): crepe paper streamers, tissue paper, doily hearts, a crown, a skewer for her scepter

Recommended supplies for the boys (cupid): two hangers for wings, a roll of toilet paper, clear packing tape, doily hearts, a dowel or stick plus a string for the bow, a skewer for an arrow

Photos by Nicole Hill Gerulat.

7. Snack time: After they’ve finished all of the fun and games, pass out a sweet treat (pink rice krispie treats) for the students to snack on. And don’t forget to serve a little love potion. We recommend water or juice, but you can use whatever you’d like.

8. Pass out valentines: It’s time for the finale. If your class has planned for this ahead of time and all of the students have brought valentines to share, let the kids take turns passing out their valentine cards to each other as they eat their treat. 

 

 

 

Fabulous Gift Idea

One of my friends had this great idea.

Ok--she wasn't really a friend.  She just writes a blog I read.  Courtney is always teasing me and saying "Did one of your friends tell you that, Mom?" I have lots of friends because I read lots of blogs.

The blog is Finding Joy in the Journey.

She gave her husband a wonderful gift for Christmas that they could both enjoy for the year ahead.  

It's a year's worth of prepaid dates.  It could really be a great Valentines Day gift, too--although I know it's really late notice for this.  But, you might be able to pull it off.

Here's her post:

 

This basket holds 12 envelopes.  Each labeled with a month of the year.  And each envelope contains a pre-planned, (mostly) pre-paid date just for us.  Some of the dates will take place at home, some are planned for the local area, and some will take us into town.  All 12 dates are different.  Several, actually nearlyall of the dates are things we have never done before.

The plan is to open the envelope together at the beginning of the month, look at the calendar and decide on a date.  So right from the beginning of the month, we'll have a fun date on the calendar to look forward to.

Here's what the contents of the January envelope looked like:

A giftcard to OMSI for a laser show, IMAX, or whatever.  And dinner at McMennamins.

Get ready to flip out because I . . . made a scrapbook page!

I brought along my Fuji Instax for picture taking. I love it.  It is just so cute.  I think I'll be taking it on all of our dates this year.

Our January date also doubled as our anniversary date.  12 years!  We enjoyed a hamburger dinner at Fulton Pub (a place Scott visits from time to time for work lunches, but I've never been before).  He even shared one of his tots with me.  :)  My "Communication Breakdown Burger" was awesome.  And before dinner we went to OMSI to watch "Hubble" on the IMAX screen.

I think I'm liking this plan.  11 more to go.