Mind Doodles

The Things We Pass On To Our Kids #1

Why does it always seem that we are passing our less than flattering traits to our kids?  

At least that's the way it works at our house. 

DISORGANIZATION

Okay, I'm organizationally challenged.  

Well, not exactly.  

I really do know where most everything I own is-- 

(except for my car keys which are missing 90% of the time).

But, I don't enjoy organizing, de-cluttering, etc.  

Now, don't get me wrong.  

I love having spaces where there is a place for everything and everything is in its place--

that just doesn't usually happen in my home.  

I have had brilliant moments in my life where... 

my office is in tip top shape--the desk cleared off, book shelves in perfect order,

drawers neat and tidy.  

the closets at home are perfectly orderly (okay, so it was the day after we moved in).

the kitchen cupboards look as though we have just taken inventory...

But, I must admit that those times are few and far between.  Most often, closets and drawers are crammed full, and piles of clutter can be found in every room.  

I've noticed that my girls have this same dreaded gene.  

(I won't show pictures of their rooms because they would be humiliated and you would lose respect for them.) 

I wish that I had not passed this on to them.  

I wish that as young girls I had insisted that their rooms remain spotless and that everything was put away immediately after use.  

I really do.  I think it would have helped them in the long run.  

But, I didn't.

I'm still learning.  Hopefully, they will learn from my mistakes.

Thankfully, I do have friends that love organization and they are teaching me.  

I called one of them recently to ask her to come over and help me organize my new walk-in pantry (which is fabulous by the way). 

She was estatic!!!! I'm not kidding.  She couldn't wait!  In fact, she carved out time on Saturday to come over and go at it.  Now, this friend happens to be addicted to all things Tupperware.  She is the original Tupperware queen. She brought loads of Tupperware with her and educated me on how to make your pantry easily accessible and beautiful.  

She was right... Sigh...I love it.  

Now everything has a place.  

Here's the proof.  It's never too late to learn.  (Are you listening girls?)

At Rest

Two of my friends lost loved ones this week.  It's been a tough week.  In fact, both of these friends are on our children's ministry staff.  So, we have all been immersed in grief.  

Yesterday, as I was sitting at one of the funerals, I remembered my journey over the years in dealing with death.  

I lost my first grandparent when I was six.  I don't remember much about it.  What I do remember is the phone call that we received telling us that my grandpa had died suddenly.  I remember my mom and dad's reaction to the news.  I remember sitting on the couch watching them as they grieved.  My brother and I did not travel to Georgia for the funeral.  We stayed with my other grandparents.  So, I was pretty removed from details of his death and burial.  

I didn't really face death again until I was in high school.  My grandma had a very short battle with cancer. We spent many of her last days in the hospital with her in Mississippi.  I remember celebrating my birthday in her hospital room.  When she died, our whole family traveled from all across the country to be together for her funeral.  

During the visitiation for my grandma, I wouldn't go into the funeral home.  I was terrifed.  I didn't want to see my grandma in the casket.  I had never seen a dead person and I was convinced that I would not be able to handle it.  My mom tried to reassure me by explaining that my grandma looked at peace and I would feel so much better if I saw her.  I didn't listen.

So,  it wasn't until I was an adult that I actually experienced that.  And, my mom was right.  Seeing the person at rest, really did help me to deal with the grief.  

I drew on some of these experiences when we had our own children and began to decide how we would handle the subject of death with them. Here is the approach we took as parents:

**When our girls were very young, we began taking them to the funeral home with us for visitation.  In most cases, the girls did not know the person who had died.  They did know the family, though. I think this is a great way to start. 

Children at most ages can understand that their friend is sad.  It gives them a great opportunity to show their love and concern for the family.  These visits served two purposes:  they helped our children to feel comfortable in that setting, and the family really did enjoy having children come.   There is something about being around children that reminds us of the joy in life.

** Before going to the funeral home, we always talked with them about what they could expect.  This made the experience seem not as frightening. (It's always good to cover appropriate behavior as well).

**We have always tried to model authenticity in our grief.  It is almost impossible to put up a false front successfully.  Words can't mask what lies in the heart. They need to see that grieving is acceptable.

As I was sitting next to my teenage children yesterday at the funeral,I was able to see how healthy their view on death and dying is.  Although they were very sad, their faith was a great source of comfort for them. I feel confident that if I had not been there beside them, they still would have been at ease in that environment. I'm so thankful that we took the time when they were young to expose them to this difficult reality.  

Here are a couple of excellent age-appropriate books for children--

It Must Hurt A Lot by Doris Sanford (Multinomah  Press).  The feelings a child experiences when a favorite pet dies.

My Mom is Dying:  A Child's Diary by Jill McNamara (Augsberg Press).  A child's perspective on her mother's terminal illness and death.

Morgan's Baby Sister by Patricia Johnson and Donna Williams (Resource Publications). For families who've experienced the death of a newborn sibling.

Someone I Loved Died by Christine Harder Tangvald (David C. Cook) A positive approach to directing children to God as the ultimate source of comfort.

And some for parents, too--

It's Okay to Cry--A Parent's Guide to Helping Children Through the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright (Random House)

When Your Child Loses a Loved One by Theresa Huntley (Augsberg Press)

5 Things Every Kid Needs--Part 3

#1.  A Really Big God they can trust no matter what.

#2.  Someone else who believes what they believe.

#3.  Another voice that says the same thing their parents say.

Sooner or later your child is going to start listening to voices other than yours.  Every child needs a safe place to ask questions and talk about how they feel.  If you are a smart parent, you know how important it is to make sure there are other adults in your kids' lives who say the same thing you say.  

I'm so glad that our girls have developed strong relationships with the women who are their Life Group Leaders at church.  These women invest and pour into my girls.  They are not in competition with me--they are on my team--to help come along side me and my husband to raise our girls.  Sometimes what they say impacts our daughters more than what we say--because we are "mom and dad".  I am not threatened by that because I am confident that we are all on the same page.  And, we need all the help we can get.  This is one of the greatest lessons I have learned as a parent.

Good Story for Parents

My friend, Jacque, wrote a great post on her blog.  It's a good reminder that kids really do often get what we, as parents, are trying to teach.

What I'm Learning As A Mom--Surrender

Years ago, when my children were still in preschool, I went to a MOPS convention (for mothers of preschoolers).  I heard a woman named Carol Kuykendall speak who made an impact on me.  Little did I know that the words she spoke were not as much for me as a preschool mom as they would be for me as the mother of teenagers.  So, all of these years, I have stored this up.  I have found myself drawing on some of her wisdom over the past several months.  

There is a reoccuring theme in my parenting. . .that of surrender.  Every day I have a choice--I can hold my children tightly and protectively, or more loosely with faith and trust that God will provide.  It's a difficult choice to make.  

Most often, I do not choose wisely.  

Most often, I hold on too tightly.  

Most often, I want to be in control instead of trusting their future to God.  

The right choice depends upon a daily attitude of surrender--that same choice applies to everything I treasure in life.  

Our children are the treasures of our heart.  We love them with a powerful love that words fail to describe.  The more we value something, the more we worry about what might happen to it, and the tighter we wrap our fingers around it.  That's why we put our jewlery in safe-deposit boxes and install alarm systems.  We want to protect our valuable treasures.

Because we value our children more than jewels or possessions, we're even more tempted to have a tight grip.  We want to protect them.  The choice to loosen our grip requires faith and trust in God--that he is in control and will do what is best for them.  

Surrender involves an attitude of the heart before it is an action of the hand.

This is right where I am living these days--in the midst of this reality.  Kelsey is trying to finalize college plans.  What I want for her and what God has planned for her, might not be the same thing.  It's tough.

Whenever I hold on to something too tightly--my desire for success or affirmation or recognition or my fears about my child's future--God calls me to "Come.  Bring me what you are holding so tightly in your hand.  Loosen your grip on it.  Bring it to me as your offering.  Surrender it to me.  Trust me."

And when I surrender my offering to God in trust, I receive his provision of peace and comfort.  Always.

How Do You Show Your Love?

Valentines Day is just around the corner. (In fact, it's only 2 days away!)  Greg and I typically don't go out for Valentines Day.  We both hate the crowds on Valentines Day.  So, years ago, we started having a special Valentines Day dinner together as a family.  When the girls were younger, everything was heart shaped and red.  But, now we just decorate in hearts and have a meal that we all enjoy.  

I think that it's often difficult to get away on a holiday like Valentines Day.  This morning, Kelsey got an email from someone she has never met asking for a babysitter for Saturday night.  This mom has tried everyone she knows and is desperate to get out with her husband.  She's decided that maybe Saturday night is out of the question, so she and her husband are going to go out on Friday night instead.  She's going to bring her kids to the Parents Night Out that the Spring Break Haiti Team will be hosting here at Crosspointe.  

I've got some other friends who have experienced the same thing so they have started celebrating Valentines Day as a family.  Last night we got an invitation from some friends.  

It said, 

"We'd like to spend Valentines Day with the people we love, so we want to invite you to our home for dinner on Saturday night."  

I LOVE THAT IDEA!  I wish I had thought of it.  

Anyway, I love hearing what other people do. . .whether they are traditions or new ideas.  So if you've got some, pass them this way.  

Here's one I'll pass along to you:

I didn't give this for Valentines Day, but I think it would work great.

Last year, I gave Greg and each of our girls a note card file box.  Inside was a card for each day of the year.  On each card, I wrote the date and one thing that I love about them.  For an entire year, they had something special to read each morning.  And the best thing, it's recyclable.  You can read them over and over again. 

So, what about you?  What are some ideas for how you show your love?

Sports Fail

My husband, Greg, loves auto racing.  He's from Indianapolis, so it's in his blood.  When we moved to North Carolina, he just changed from Indy cars to Nascars without missing a beat.  On every Sunday afternoon during racing season, you can find him on our couch watching the race of the day.  Many times, he has gone to see a race live--one of his favorite things to do.  

The one race he hasn't been to. . .Taladaga.  It's one he's always wanted to see.

Well, this past weekend our family traveled down to Birmingham, Alabama to visit Samford University. Kelsey had a music audition there, so we all went to check out the campus.  On our way we passed right by the Taladaga Race Track.  In fact, it's only about 30 minutes from Samford.  

Greg said, "Hey Kelsey, if you go to school here, I can come down and we can go to Taladaga for a Daddy/Daughter Date."

She said, "Sure Dad.  I'd love to go to the GAME."

The GAME? 

In 18 years of Sunday afternoons, how did she miss that it's called a RACE not a GAME?  

Greg was not impressed.

Perfectly Imperfect Parents

Sometimes the responsibility of being a parent seems so enormous.  Our kids are watching everything we do.  And, although it would be nice to always be a good example--we're just human--and that means that we're not perfect.  

I'm sure that, like me, you've had episodes  that you would like to rewind and do over--sometimes more than one in a day.  On more than one occassion, I have lost my cool in front of my kids or been caught saying something unkind about someone else.   Often, I beat myself up when this happens and struggle with a guilty conscience. But over the years, I've learned through experience that I can use times like these to teach my kids valuable lessons about right and wrong and forgiveness.

Here are a couple of things that have helped me. . . 

Although it's not always easy, it's a great time to remind our kids that everyone makes mistakes (even grown ups) and that your behavior wasn't appropriate.

Apologize for any outbursts, especially if it was directed at them.

Remind them that God wants us all to treat others with kindness--that applies to parents as well.

I've always found that my kids have been generous with their forgiveness and understanding of my faults. 

I want them to grow up to be the kind of adults that easily admit their mistakes and take steps to correct their behavior.  If that's going to happen, I need to be modeling it now. 

Living in Harmony

I came home from work a little under the weather today.  I have been lying on the couch, resting--in and out of consciousness.  I just awoke to the most beautiful sound. . .

My girls singing in the other room.  I don't even know the song they are singing, but the harmony is lovely. (And I'm not just talking about the notes.--there is something really special about hearing your kids sing together.) 

Ahhhh--I feel better already.

Parenting Tip--Dealing with Hitters

Recently, I was talking with some moms of young children.  Several of them expressed their frustration with trying to deal with their child's hitting.  Neither of my children were hitters but I did have a biter, so I can sympathize.  I remember feeling so out of control and at a loss as to how to handle this with such a young child.  

I came across this article today and thought I'd share it.  We can all use a parenting tip or two every now and then.  This one came from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.

What to Do When Your Baby Hits

Most babies hit out of frustration, anger, or for mere entertainment. What should a parent do? Sometimes the solution is simply to distract the child with a different activity. But if the problem persists and you feel like discipline is necessary, we recommend that you take consistent, firm action. Keep in mind that a firm approach doesn't require harshness.

Immediately set your child down on the floor, with a firm statement like, "Be gentle" and step back to avoid getting hit again. Don't display anger but be deliberate and firm. Your child needs to learn that hitting doesn't work. She can't stay in your arms or on your lap. If she hits you will remove her from that place immediately.

But that's not the end. The next thing your child does is come to you for a hug. This is the precursor to the Positive Conclusion you will use later. "Are you ready to get up. Come over and give me a hug. Show me what gentle is." Allow the child to give a hug or stroke your arm with her hand in a gentle way. Praise her for her gentleness.

When you set your son down after hitting, he may have a temper tantrum. If you're in a situation that allows, the best thing is to ignore him until he's calmed down and then encourage him to come back for a reuniting time. Immediate, consistent, temporary separation like this followed by a Positive Conclusion will discourage the hitting and replace it with something else. A careful balance is needed here between a firm approach and a loving relationship.

Children who can't yet talk or communicate well, often get frustrated and act out with violence. Don't just ignore it. While you're teaching communication skills, also teach limits on hitting, biting, pushing, and other forms of physical meanness.